Hurting and Healing – parenting developmentally traumatised children

Many children, due to developmental trauma and poor attachment experiences, present adults with very challenging behaviours and destructive ways of relating. Traditional parenting approaches can sometimes exacerbate the situation with children who don’t feel safe enough to let themselves be parented and cared for. The nurture that is on offer – care, fun, commitment, family life – can feel too painful to accept, and rejection of the nurture (rather than the anticipated gratitude) can follow. This can be very challenging for the parents/carers.  

“Evidence suggests that these children do less well with interventions that do not take into account the traumatised neurobiological system and the need for repeated healthy relationship experiences.” (Bruce Perry, 2006)

Within this training, emphasis is placed on responding to the needs and feelings behind behaviours and attitudes – and on supporting the young person to grow towards being able to regulate around these feelings. This means supporting children to learn, over time, that even when they feel sad or scared or angry, they can find non-destructive ways of expressing these feelings. As an approach therapeutic parenting involves choosing ways of being with the young person that are most likely to provide opportunities to connect, manage, calm, and reflect.

What is needed is therapeutic responding – aimed at facilitating the young person not just to survive, but to thrive. Key concepts include:

Connection before correction –

• prioritising the importance of the relationship between carer and child as a healthy relationship with a sensitive, caring robust adult is what heals

Positive parenting –

• consistent, calm, non-rejecting – aiming to avoid further shaming

• clear firm boundaries alongside empathy for the child’s feelings

Warm acceptance of and respect for the young person -

• what they are currently able to manage, and how they currently need to survive

Parenting within this framework gives children repeated opportunities to feel and behave differently - to wire new pathways in the brain. This helps the young person feel safe which is the foundation for beginning to heal and to progress developmentally.

As a trainer, Helen creates and delivers workshops in the fields of counselling, creative arts therapy, working with young people, empowerment and anti-bullying, self support, self development, and parenting skills. Helen is happy to tailor-make training or offer consultation according to your needs.